Take No Umbridge I: As Umbridge Sees it
by Stephen Ratliff
Summary: Harry Potter discovers that his being Triwizard Champion has some unexpected benefits regarding the teaching of Madame Umbridge.
1. Side Effects of the Triwizard

Dolores Umbridge was on the war path. Harry Potter had not attended her class. Fifth Years happened to be the first class of the day for her, so it had been annoying her ever since. Especially when word got back to her that Potter had been seen during her class in the court yard practicing hitting practice bulgers with various low level defense against the dark arts spells. Practicing spells for her class was against her class objectives. Why such practice might make someone competent enough to bring down the Ministry!

And that Potter ... something had to be done. The mythology built around him made it imperative that he be knocked down. As a baby survivor he was not a threat. As a teenager who disagreed with the Ministry, he was. With both him and Dumbledore against the Ministry position ... if it wasn't for the Ministry's control of the Prophet, it would have been unsolvable.

So it was a defiant Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor that strode through the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, down the stairs and into it's Great Hall. The boy was seated in his usual spot, in the middle of the Gryffindor table. As Umbridge stalked towards him, he seemed to be unconcerned about his fate. "Mister Potter, detention in my office tonight," Umbridge said. If he thought that his first detention had been bad ...

Potter looked up at her, calmly. It was somewhat eerie to the professor, who was used to causing the Boy-Who-Lived to respond in anger. "May I ask why?"

"You skipped class today," Professor Umbridge said. It was patently obvious to her that it merited detention. The fact the boy had to ask ...

"Sorry, I'm not taking Defense Against the Dark Arts anymore," Harry said flatly. "I'm sure the Deputy Headmistress corrected your rolls this morning.

"It is a required course, you are expected to attend," Umbridge bristled. Potter was defying her, the Ministry, again. "Unless you are on your death bed, I expect you in class."

"You're teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts to those up to those taking their NEWTs this year, right?" Poter said calmly. Umbridge nodded back at Potter. "Well, there is the problem."

"What problem?" Umbridge said. His even tone was really annoying her. Students were supposed to be intimidated by her position and the Ministry.

"You know last year I was the Triwizard Champion?" Umbridge nodded. "Well, it turns out that winning the tournament out right gives you one NEWT out right, and the right to be tested for your NEWTs at my convenience, one at a time or all at once if I want to. I chose to ask for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Madame Marchbanks was happy to give it to me with an Outstanding. She said I probably qualified for Charms too, so I'm thinking of taking that one around Christmas. Hermione is already making me a study schedule."

Umbridge looked down at the fifth year. "What!" This was totally unexpected.

"So, Professor, I'm done with your course," Harry said with a smile. "In fact, I now have better qualifications to teach the course than you do. Professor Dumbledore thinks that teaching is a good activity for those that defeated Dark Lords to do, so since I surpass you in the subject, and thus the Ministry's requirements, I'm thinking of applying for the job at some point."

Umbridge stood there, paralyzed, as Harry Potter resumed eating. He wanted her job. He wanted her teaching job. Potter wanted her Defense Against the Dark Arts job, the only job that got tenure after teaching one day over one full school year. The life time guaranteed after one year job. Harry James Potter wanted HER JOB!

It took her three hours fuming in the Great Hall to discover that someone had glued her shoes to the floor.


	2. The New High Inquisitor

Professor Umbridge was beginning to see one advantage of not teaching Harry Potter. Her fifth year class was going a lot smoother. Even Miss Granger had stopped questioning her course aims. Instead she'd turned her essays into critiques of the text book. Umbridge was regretting telling Miss Granger that since she couldn't seem to stay short with her essays, her next one would have to be twice as long as the last. Miss Granger was not daunted. Umbridge was. She couldn't find a single error in the essay ... other than the fact that it was totally contrary to her class objectives.

A loud bang echoed through the Defense Against the Dark Arts Office, as a copy of the seventh year text book landed right on Umbridge's desk. She jumped a bit, but collected herself and looked up, saying in a sickeningly sweet tone, "May I help you?"

"I doubt it." The stern vestige of the dowager Lady Longbottom, stared directly into Umbridge's eyes. The vulture on her hat caught Umbridge's gaze. It looked like it was about to laugh. "I am here from the Board of Governors to investigate the decline in teaching at Hogwarts. They have appointed me High Inquisitor."

High Inquisitor? That was the title that the Minister intended to give to her once their plans had progressed further.

"The Board was not happy to hear that Headmaster Dumbledore had not been able to find a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, resulting in your less than legal appointment. Still, you did fill a need, and at first we thought you were better than nothing. We are no longer sure that is the case."

"I assure you that I was chosen as the best that the Ministry had to offer."

"I see. And did you chose this book, personally?" The vulture helpfully pecked at the title, having dropped off Lady Longbottom's hat.

"Most certainly! It is the perfect text for the aims of the course!"

"We disagree. This text teaches dependency. We believe that Hogwarts should produce independent well rounded witches and wizards ready to mark their mark on society. It is in the very charter of this school to do so. Still it is possible that your teaching may make up for poor text selection. You may expect us to be attending your classes for the foreseeable future. My good friend Professor Trelawney predicts that I shall have a long stay in these halls.

"I believe you have the Fifth Years in an hour ... better finish grading that. Good day Madame Umbridge."

The vulture didn't leave the room with Lady Longbottom. Instead it found a place on the bust of Pallas about the chamber door. Every time she looked up at it, it winked. Umbridge didn't finish her grading before the Fifth Years arrived for class.


	3. Harry Potter's Defense Practicum

**Harry Potter's Defense Practicum**

Dolores Umbridge was not in a good mood, and since Lady Longbottom had arrived at Hogwarts as the Board of Governor's new High Inquisitor. It had neatly taken out one of the plans that she and the Minister had for taking over Hogwarts. As long as Lady Longbottom was inspecting the Ministry couldn't say that the Board wasn't taking action due to Dumbledore's influence. To make matters worse, it looked like Umbridge was the chief target of Lady Longbottom. Certainly her vulture seemed to be everywhere that Umbridge looked.

As Umbridge mounted the stairs on her way up from the Great Hall, she noticed a sign. "Optional Defense Practicum for Fourth Years, one o'clock, West Tower Duelling Chamber. Harry Potter, Instructor." Her path immediately changed. Never mind that she had a class to teach at one o'clock as well, Fifth Year, and that it would take her until at least five past to get to that end of the castle. Harry Potter was taking over part of what was her responsibility to teach! Even if she and the Minister had planned not to do any practical instruction for Defense Against the Dark Arts, it was her class, her decision.

By the time she reached the West Tower, her face was red, and her body sweating. She paused to catch her breath just before the door. From inside the room, she could hear Potter's voice.

"Some say the best Defense is a good Offense, and at higher levels, it might just be so. The fundamentals of Defense, are not offensive though. When it comes down to it, the goal of Defense is for the spell not to hit you. So, Colin, let's try dodging just a little bit more. Yes, I did pair you up with the scariest girl in the room, but anyone who had nerve to sneak into the Quidditch Locker rooms ..."

Umbridge stepped into the doorway. There were about fifty students paired up in the large dueling chamber in the practice marks. Potter was moving among them, correcting grips, as he kept up a constant monologue. It reminded Umbridge of her own fourth year DADA teacher.

"... and get away with a picture of the girls, should know how to dodge. Nice shot, Ginny. Michael, a little more aiming, please. Even the simplest spells can be effective. In my last encounter with Voldermort, I used Expelliarmus to great effect. I wouldn't have escaped without it. Great dodge Luna. Has anyone hit you yet? I thought not. Expellairmus! Harper, sit down. When I told you to keep to the set of spells, I meant it."

"Mr. Harper, report to my office after dinner tonight," Dumbledore said. Umbridge had not noticed the Headmaster sitting in the corner with a muggle spiral bound notebook. It was a bit weird to see the Headmaster seated in a plush burgundy chair, his pink quill hovering over the notebook, feet propped up on an matching ottoman. "Harry, am I correct that this is the time period where Fifth Years are in Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

"Yes sir," Harry replied. "Rotation! outside to the right, inside to the left. Ginny, remember Callum isn't Colin. Harper, if you can keep to the spell, you can take your place opposite Ginny, at the next rotation. This time, your color charm should be verdant. Begin."

Dumbledore did not even look at Umbridge as he commented, "I wonder if the High Inquisitor is inspecting that class today."

Umbridge felt the color drain from her face as she turned to exit the room. She had to get to her class, being late would be bad enough, but if. She shook her head. She didn't want to think about it, but she had no choice, as she passed by a bust of Pallas. The vulture wasn't on it. She picked up her pace. Potter was being evaluated as her successor already. If the High Inquisitor was evaluating her class, she could be out before nightfall!


	4. Dining with Umbridge

**Take No Umbridge: Dinning with Umbridge**

One of the great perks about working at Hogwarts was the staff dining room. No students were allowed, and the food was the best of all of Magical Britain. That was before you even got to the chairs, which were donated by wealthy alumni. They were not only beautiful to behold, but charmed to be the most comfortable seat you'd ever sit in.

Unfortunately, while students were banned, alumni and most especially members of the Board of Governors were not. For High Inquisitor Augusta Longbottom, an engraved invitation to dine was almost a requirement. Not that one was given. No, the ninny who taught Divination had just invited her in.

"Oh, Sybil, drop that act," Augusta said to the Divination Professor. "I'm sure we're among friends, and I doubt anyone here is going to tell your students that you're not an airhead and drunk on sherry."

That statement immediately struck Umbridge as wrong, as did the sudden appearance of the bust of Pallas at the center of the marble top table with the Dowager Lady Longbottom's vulture on it. It seemed that Hogwarts had been infested with vultures. Umbridge had passed at least a dozen of them on various busts in the corridors from her class room. She was sure there hadn't been that many busts before at Hogwarts, and there certainly had not been one in the center of the staff dining room table.

"It is the approved Divination persona," Trelawney said. She wasn't wearing her glasses. "You can not get an Outstanding in the Divination practical without being able to pose as a side show fortune teller. It is... " Suddenly Trelewney's glasses were back "... a pity that so ..." Her voice developed a drunken echo. "... few divine the objective grading qualifications despite my ..." She finished in a perfectly normal tone, her glasses disappearing again. "... strong hints."

"True, true," the Lady Longbottom said. "I see that my Valentine is back. He can be so distracted by those with ..." She paused in thought and turned back to Trelawney. "how did you put it Sybil?"

"The..." Trelawney paused, as if to get into character. "...distinct aura of ..." Trelawney's voice became slightly higher pitched. "The doomed," Trelawney's voice echoed as she looked up right into Umbridge's eyes. "I do so look forward to reading your tea cup," she smirked, "Dolores."

"I do not believe in divination, Professor," Umbridge said, bristling as she found her seat, uncomfortably close to the Vulture.

With what her students would call an uncharacteristicly normal voice, Trelawney replied, "Those who do not believe in propheticy are often doomed to be it's object," before turning back to Augusta Longbottom.

"Not believing in divination," Lady Longbottom glared sharply at Dolores and shook her head sternly. "An ancient and most honorable vocation for witches," Augusta shook her head. "Tut, tut, the oracles are most disappointed in you. Perhaps your doom is preordained, and as such, I should just watch." She reached up and ran her palm over the head of her vulture. "Right, Valentine?" The vulture's head bobbed up and down in response. "You know, Neville finds Valentine scary. He says that Valentine tends to be staring at him all the time ... of course he has to admit that he's usually done something wrong when he notices my Valentine."

"Speaking of Neville," Trelawney said in that perfectly normal tone that she never used outside the staff dining room, "I hear he has become quite the catch." Dolores did not believe that.

"He claims he's just helping them out with Herbology," Longbottom replied. Helping out with Herbology ... Delores almost laughed at that. In her experience, a boy providing help in a subject actually had only one thing in mind.

"Well, after you frightened off Miss Weasley, he's hardly going to tell you who he's dating now." Dolores agreed with that. That grubby little blood traitor was not worthy of any pureblood. There was a rumor that the girl was especially powerful, but she'd never seen any evidence. The girl was just simply a pain to teach.

"And you would perhaps know that?" Dolores leaned in. It might just be to her advantage to know who the newest interest of the Longbottom scion was.

"It doesn't take any divination to figure out that the number two in Herbology, and a Hufflepuff at that, doesn't really need tutoring in the subject. I predict five." Trelawney was probably right. Dolores couldn't really see any other reason that young Longbottom would be tutoring Miss Abbot.

"Better than Miss Weasley." Dolores snorted in agreement with Lady Longbottom's statement.

"If Miss Weasley isn't careful with her attempts at conquest of Potter, my prediction of three will be no longer applicable." Dolores had to admit to herself that she had taken great pleasure in taking points off Potter and Miss Weasley for public displays of affection.

"Oh dear. What is the latest?" Dolores had to admit that the Trelawney was the most connected of any of the staff to the student gossip network, so Lady Longbottom's inquiry made sense, if you were the type to be interested in the network. Dolores also knew that she didn't repeat it, so you had to listen close the first time, which she did.

"Well, you heard about the initial snogging after the Quidditch game?" Trelawney said. Dolores had missed the game, due to consulting with the Minister about the new High Inquisitor.

"It was a little hard to miss it actually. It's not often that a chaser tackles a seeker." Dolores had not heard that Miss Weasley had tackled Potter. She had heard that her breath control was admirable.

"Minerva, where was it that you caught them?" Oh how Dolores wished she had been the one to catch them.

"Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. And for the record, I believe their excuse, and have given them permission to continue exploring the Chamber of Secrets. And I remind you all, that all Fourth and Fifth Years will be with Severus this afternoon. Don't come to me about the whole class skipping, Dolores."

...

_Author's Note:_

_Do not expect another part for a while. The muse must inspire more, and the muse seems to be inspiring other stories. This story is posted based on inspiration. The only rule I have for parts is that I'm alternating between Harry and Lady Longbottom inspired scenes. Next up should be some Harry scene._


	5. Not Teaching Patroni

**Take No Umbridge 5**

Dolores Umbridge stepped into her class room, trying to avoid looking up to see Lady Longbottom's vulture where she knew it was, above the door. It had been a week since Augusta Longbottom had arrived at Hogwarts. Since then she'd having lunch in the staff dinning room, dinner at the professor's table in the Great Hall, and breakfast at the Gryffindor table.

As Umbridge turned to look out to the class, she noticed that the vulture wasn't on the bust of Pallas above the chamber's door. It was residing on Lady Longbottom's hat. She nearly forgot to check the roll. The only fifth year who was missing was Potter as usual. She refused to strike his name from her roll, even if he had received his NEWT in DADA.

The prior week she had been late to the class. Fortunately, the High Inquisitor had been busy evaluating Hagrid. The Care of Magical Creatures professor had been berated in the resulting report for exceeding the allowable risk with third year students. Four Slytherin students had spent the rest of the day in the Hospital Wing, and the rest of the week in detention with Flitch.

Now, though, it was her turn, and Umbridge had been dreading it for weeks. She'd heard that even Minerva had received feedback from Lady Longbottom. Severus had been evaluated just this past morning, and the Potions Professor's sulking during lunch had been almost unbearable.

"Tut-tut," Lady Longbottom said as Umbridge said "Potter" and put yet another A for absent next to his name.

Umbridge tried to ignore that. Normally she would order her class to open their books. There was no way she could do that with the High Inquisitor there, though. So she decided to start with a question. "Does anyone here remember the recommended response to spotting dangerous creatures?" Only one hand went up. Umbridge reluctantly called out, "Miss Granger."

"Notify the Department of Dangerous Magical Creatures immediately."

"Indeed, not that you should run across dangerous creatures in the course of your ordinary life." Umbridge noticed two hands were now up. "Mr. Longbottom."

"One of my classmates ran across a dementor during his summer vacation, just about a quarter mile from his summer residence. What do we do then?"

"I believe that has already been answered, Mr. Longbottom. Mr. Finnagan."

"I donna think you answered Neville, madam. It is the last documented dangerous creature attack. Surely the Ministry has more advice than call for help. The Monstrous Book of Monsters says that a dementor can suck out your soul in less than three minutes from the first sign of their arrival. The average response time for the Aurors is, Susan?"

"Six minutes, eight if it's after ten post meridian," Susan supplied.

"So, there has to be something I can do," Finnagan concluded.

"Your ministry will protect you. Mr. Longbottom."

"Professor, that's a bunch of dragon dung. There is one spell that can protect against dementors, the Patronus Charm. Given that there are at least two rogue dementors out there, per the Prophet, can you at least tell us how to cast that."

"The Patronus Charm is restricted magic that can only be cast by fully mature witches and wizards. Teaching it to you your age would be fu..."

There was a silver otter on her desk it glowed with an unearthly glow that Umbridge knew signified that it was a patronus. Then it was joined by a fox, and then a terrier.

"...tile." She stepped back. Then back again as the patroni got closer. "Enough. We do not do demonstration magic at all in this class! You do not need to do any practice on spells in my class!"

"Tut-tut" Lady Longbottom said again.

"Take out your books and read Chapter ten!" she ordered.

"Expecto Patronum!" came a familiar voice from the doorway. A giant stag ran into the room, his head down, heading towards Umbridge.

Umbridge tried to get out of the way, but only succeeded in falling into a heap behind the podium as the stag went through it.

"Sorry Professor. I thought there might be a dementor here, when I saw all the patroni in the room," Potter said from the door. "Ernie, is the boar yours?"

"Yes Harry. First time I got corporeal, cast it silently too."

"That deserves points, doesn't it, Professor?"

"No, it does not! Class is over, dismissed." Umbridge retreated from the class room. The stag gave her one more charge as she reached the door to her office, causing her to trip on the threshold and fall ingloriously onto her pink shag rug.

"Tut-tut," the voice of Lady Longbottom echoed from behind her. "This is not going to be a good evaluation. Two bad ones on one day. Though Snape wasn't in this one's league."

Dolores Umbridge was not looking forward to receiving the written report.


	6. Extendable Ears

****_Author's Note:_

_This chapter is a bit of a set up chapter. It's also in all probability the next to last chapter. I will be posting the last part when believe that my usual suspects believe it's ready, plus whatever amount of days the post more soon contingent adds. The week between parts is waived.  
_

* * *

**Take no Umbridge: Extendable Ears**

Dolores Umbridge caught the conversation as she was walking towards the Great Hall. It had been a month since the High Inquisitor had visited her class. Since that day, she hardly ever noticed the Inquisitor's vulture, just the empty busts of Pallas strewn throughout the halls of Hogwarts. Lately, she'd come to believe that the High Inquisitor's visit had come to nought. She certainly hadn't seen anything since the report had been dropped on her desk.

"I can't believe Harry got Outstanding NEWTs in both Charms and Transfiguration." Umbridge knew that voice, it was the voice of the bushy-haired muggleborn Gryffindor who had made her classes miserable. Lately even the first years had been questioning her material.

"I know who I'm going to when it's my time to study for my OWLs. Only, Hermione, give me some time to do something else too. Angelina will kill you if you make her loose another player. We were bloody lucky that Ginny tried out."

"Ron!" Umbridge peeked around the corner. Her brief glance confirmed her expectations. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were seated on a bench, his right arm around her back, as the girl looked through some papers. It looked like Weasley had been a bit closer. "Quidditch isn't everything, and certainly shouldn't result in the sacrifice of your education." Umbridge was sure that they were a couple, though she hadn't heard of them in any broom closets, or coming out of girls bathrooms together like Potter and Miss Weasley.

"I know, Hermione," Ron said with a tone of long suffering. "But all work and no play makes Hermione a dull girl too." After a moment's silence, he continued. "I wonder what Dumbledore is talking to Harry about."

Umbridge immediately turned and sped off to where she had planted the end of the device that she'd confiscated from the Weasley Twins. She couldn't afford not to know what was going to happen. Fortunately it was just around the corner, behind tapestry of Leofric, Earl of Mercia and his wife out riding. She put the ear up against hers, and started to listen.

"It's really been that long?" Umbridge heard Harry say. "Thirty-one years? I haven't even been alive half that."

"It has made me a bit less discerning in my choices over the years," Dumbledore replied. "From a purely curriculum vitae stand point, you are actually better than most of the applicants, indeed, most of the professors I have hired in the last decade for Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Me have better qualifications? Professor, if that's the case, then you've got real problems, much worse than what I've got."

Umbridge did not believe she had worse qualifications than a fifth year student. The Minister himself had chosen her due to her superior qualifications and reliability.

"I would think that Lord Voldermort after you personally would outweigh my issues finding staff."

She was staff, Dumbledore didn't need to look for another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Minister Fudge was supporting her against that old fossil of a High Inquisitor's report.

"Professor, Defense Against the Dark Arts is the most important class in Hogwarts. If it's taught badly, and given the teachers I've had since I started, I'd say it is about sixty percent of the time, any dark lord is going to have any easy time to take over the world. A dark lord taking over the world has to be worse than a wizard with a personal vendetta."

Umbridge knew there was no dark lord trying to take over the world. Practical Defense Against the Dark Arts was just not necessary, no matter what Dumbledore said. Surely she was in the forty percent.

"You do have a point. I have to admit that in some ways I was relieved at the Minister appointing someone after I failed. Until I saw her text book, that is. I trust that you would not chose such a text."

Umbridge couldn't see anything wrong with the text book she had. It was perfect for the ministry's aims for the course.

"You assume that you've convinced me, and that you could get the Board of Governors to agree."

Potter was going to replace her next year. Umbridge's thoughts raced. She wasn't going to get tenure. She had to get tenure. Everything depended on it.

"I find it unlikely that they will reject a professor who is a Tri-wizard Champion, holds Outstanding NEWTs in Defense, Charms, and Transfiguration, and is renown for defeating a Dark Lord. Rejecting a professor with such qualifications would be unprecedented. Besides, as a mid-year replacement, you would not require confirmation by the board until the summer. By which time, I feel you will have proven to be a most popular choice."

Dumbledore was going to replace her now? He couldn't do that, could he?

"You make a lot of assumptions. I'm only fifteen. What makes you think that I'd want a ten year contract? Better yet, what makes you think that Umbridge will go?"

Yes. What makes Dumbledore think he could replace her, mid year. The appointment was ironclad. The Headmaster had not found someone at the beginning of the term, so she'd been appointed.

"You can thank Miss Granger for the suggestion. It seems that Miss Granger noticed that the law said that if the Headmaster has not found a professor for any subject by the beginning of a term, the Minister can appoint one for the term. The Autumn Term ends the Eighteenth of December this year. I intend to have you installed by the beginning of the Winter Term on January Second."

She was going to be replaced.

"That still begs the question, what makes you think I'd want the job, much less a ten year contract?

Yes. He wasn't going to take it. Potter wasn't going to take it. She was saved. It felt wrong to say it, but she was saved by Potter. She was going to still have a job for the Winter Term at least.

"I would say the delicate condition of your girlfriend, or is it fiancee, Miss Weasley."

Delicate condition. Umbridge knew what that meant. How had Potter and Weasley got around the charms. Those charms were why the rumors she'd passed on to the Ministry were not believed. They had to be sneaking out of Hogwarts. That was the only way that could happen. The wards prevented it otherwise. Assuming the wards in question were still up. That was a question. With the displays of affection she'd seen, why at least a quarter of the upper year girls were probably expecting.

Potter groaned. "I should have known the rumor would get back to you. We haven't gone that far, yet."

Oh yes. The Ministry could use this. Bad boy Potter ... it would go so well with the existing fame mad articles that Umbridge had planted with the Prophet. The anti-pregnancy ward being down, and all those girls expecting. Oh this was a gift to the Ministry. Umbridge rubbed her hands together with glee.

"I was quite sure. In any case, I'm quite surprised that Fred and George Weasley have not yet pranked you."

Umbridge looked down to check to see if her outfit was still pink and gray. She was sure that they were responsible for it turning into a Chudley Cannon's cheer leading outfit last week.

"Who says they haven't tried." Umbridge could hear the arrogance in Potter's voice. "I'm so glad I have Ginny and Professor Lupin on my side. Sirius helps, of course, but he's a bit more offensive minded, and Ginny wants me to survive at least to Christmas."

"I would have thought that Mr. Black would be of more use."

Sirius Black. Potter was in touch with Sirius Black. She had to tell the minister. The Dementors would be right on that escapee, and his contact would put another nail in Potter's coffin with the press.

"Sirius ... only if I want to turn Fred and George into toads, and believe me, I have been tempted. Just like I'm tempted to take the position, if it wasn't for the rule about dating students, and a couple other things. I mean, I'm fifteen and not ready to settle down."

Oh no. He might take it. Umbridge found herself on her knees.

"The position pays very well." There was a sound of a piece of paper sliding over a surface. "Full year accommodations for you and any family are provided in the castle, as are all your meals. Flourish and Blotts provides a twenty percent discount to Hogwarts Professors, as does Slug and Jiggers."

Umbridge really liked the thirty percent discount at Thirty Sickles Pottery and Glassware. It was where she had gotten all of her kitten plates.

"This is more than Ginny's father makes!"

Of course it was. It was more than Umbridge had made at the Ministry. Thanks to the Hogwarts Trust and the instructions of the four founders of Hogwarts, professors at Hogwarts were paid better than most fields. In fact, Deputy Headmistress McGonagall, due to her three positions was actually paid better than the Seeker for the Chudley Cannons. Not that Chudley's seeker deserved even half what he was paid.

"I want it, but there are some things I need to be sure of. First, I want to be able to play Quidditch for Gryffindor through my seventh year. Second, I want to be able to continue to date Ginny. I'm not willing to give up my that. I know I'm going to be taking reduced classes, but I'll still be in Herblogy and Potions this year, and I really need to kept going until I get all my NEWTs, even if I don't get any OWLs this year."

There was no way that they were going to let Potter play Quidditch. Umbridge had been looking for an excuse to ban him, but he'd been too canny, and the Weasley girl had distracted him too much when the plot with Malfoy she'd set up for the end of the game was triggered.

"I don't think their will be an issue this year, as you started the year as a full time student. However, when you take the full schedule next fall, I do not see how you can really be more than a part time, and small part time at that, student. For the rest of your fifth year, at the least, we shall consider your current girlfriend lawful, as long as you do not break up, and I shall personally teach Miss Weasley Defense Against the Dark Arts. Minerva will not object, and I dare say that neither Miss Weasley nor her parents would allow her to pass up the opportunity. Any new girlfriend must not be currently taking Defense, having taken their OWL in it. I shall also be reviewing all of your punishments for the first three years or until you are married, which ever comes first."

He's not taking the full schedule. Umbridge rejoiced. Perhaps she was still saved. Perhaps she could still be a Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Oh, and he's going to marry the Weasley slut. That is going to make headlines. Potter marries gold digging pregnant Weasley. Umbridge couldn't stop the gleeful cackles from escaping her mouth.

"Yeah, how is that going to work with Snape taking the upper two years? He can't do that and all of potions."

Snape was going to teach Defense? Umbridge knew that he'd applied several times and hadn't got the job. Why was Dumbledore putting him in now?

"Severus has convinced me to take fifth year Gryffindor/Slytherin, and all four first year classes. It should be quite a change of pace for me. I find myself actually looking forward to the challenge. With the High Inquisitor's recommendation that Severus not teach first year students, and comments regarding his NEWT level classes, I believe this is the best available solution."

That still didn't explain it. Umbridge had to find a reason. There must be a reason for why Snape wasn't considered this year but now was at least partially teaching Defense soon.

"May I borrow a quill, Professor?"

He was going to sign. Potter was going to sign, taking over her position. This was the end. It couldn't be happening. She had to have this position. She needed tenure. Her life depended on it.

"Welcome aboard, Harry."

This was disaster. Maybe the Minister could fix it. Of course the minister could fix it. She had to go now. Umbridge had to let the Minister know what was happening. Only he could save her tenure track position now.

* * *

Compliments, Comments, corrections, complaints, and critiques are accepted eagerly


	7. The Prank of the Immaculate Conception

**Take no Umbridge: The Prank of the Immaculate Conception**

It was December the eighth and Dolores Umbridge was surprised that Dumbledore had not yet informed her that she was being replaced. She had hopes that it meant that he had been stopped from his ridiculous plan to replace her with Potter. As she stepped out of her rooms, she noticed that the vulture was back on the bust of Pallas. The Inquisitor was back. She was no longer looking forward to her breakfast, even if the Minister was due at Hogwarts after Breakfast.

"I'm not an invalid, Ron!" Umbridge heard Granger's voice before she came into view.

"I know that Hermione. I'm just trying to help." Just then Umbridge rounded the corner to spy Ron Weasley steadying Hermione Granger. A Hermione Granger who appeared to have swallowed a bowling ball. "You almost fell when you stumbled over that threshold. Hermione, you've got to be careful, now."

"I am so going find a spell that will do this to males," Umbridge heard Hermione mumble. "I don't want to get my shoes wet, again."

"Hermione, you're not wearing shoes, remember," Ron said, as Umbridge got closer.

"I can't see my feet to tell," Hermione said. "Good Morning Professor Umbridge."

Umbridge looked at the girl's feet. They were bare. She started to giggle. The muggle-born know it all was barefoot and pregnant! And apparently whatever she'd been using to hide it had failed today, of all days. Umbridge practically danced as she out paced Weasley and Granger on her way to the Great Hall.

"George Weasley!" Umbridge was coming up on another slow moving couple. "I'm going to so get revenge for you getting me into this." It was Angelina Johnson, and she appeared to be even further along than Granger was.

Two more couples stepped out from a side passage. Umbridge immediately identified the girls as Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell. The boy accompanying Bell said, "I had nothing to do with your condition ... Katie on the other hand."

"Sorry George," Johnson said. "Fred Weasley, you put me in this condition, and by Merlin, you're going to suffer for it!"

Four Gryffindors pregnant! Umbridge giggled. Oh this was so good for her. She could just see the headlines. She passed the three chasers from Gryffindor and their boyfriends.

As she was about to turn the corner, she heard the voice of Potter's slut. "I don't know how much longer I can hold this. You really filled me up." Coming around the corner, she saw Ginny Weasley. It looked like the girl was ready to give birth to twins, maybe triplets, at any moment. She wore a very short dress, and her feet were bare. It was not an appropriate attire for going to breakfast. Potter had his hands around her bulging belly.

"Weasley, twenty points from Gryffindor for your scandalous attire!" Umbridge said, before striding through the door to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, it seemed that all the girls of Hufflepuff were holding newborns. There didn't seem to be any boys of Hufflepuff at the moment. Umbridge was nearly knocked off her feet as most of the Slytherin girls were involved in a mass exodus, crying out, "Got a pee, got a pee." The books that were usually propped up on the Ravenclaw table all had one title, "Name the Baby" and it didn't look like the Ravenclaws were very happy with the choices. Several of the girls of Gryffindor were visibly quite far along.

Umbridge started to cackle. The whole school, every girl pregnant, oh this was too good to be true. She could force Dumbledore out now! She didn't need to worry about Potter taking her place, she was going to be Headmistress of Hogwarts!

"Professor Umbridge, the wards have informed me that Minister Fudge is on his way onto the grounds," Dumbledore said. She had not noticed his approach. "Would you care to accompany me? I'm afraid that Minerva, Severus, Filius, and Ponoma are going to be a bit busy in the next few minutes."

Being at the Minister's side when he saw the whole school, it was a priceless opportunity. Umbridge joined the Headmaster, and met Minister Fudge at the Entrance Hall. She knew she was smiling too much, but she knew that Dumbledore was doomed. By gently tugging his sleeve, she was able to make the minister fall behind.

"Minister, I'm afraid that Dumbledore has been running a house of ill repute, and his wards hiding it fell today," Umbridge whispered. "The all the witches are pregnant."

"Surely not all of them," Fudge whispered back.

"Just wait until you get to the Great Hall," Umbridge said as they trudged through a puddle in the hall way. "Some of them have given birth already, the Hufflepuffs."

Right before the doors of the Great Hall, Fudge and Umbridge came to a stop in another puddle.

Dumbledore opened the doors, and strode through, Fudge and Umbridge following. The Great Hall was perfectly normal. There had apparently been some sort of a water problem over by the Gryffindors, and a few Hufflepuff boys were adjusting their clothes. Some of the Slytherin girls were just returning to their seats, but other than that, it was perfectly normal.

Umbridge spotted the Gryffindor Quidditch team girls and Granger. They were all carefully posed to show that their bellies were still flat. In fact the robes of the Quidditch Team were open to show bare flesh between their halter tops and shorts.

"I don't understand. They were all pregnant. Granger, Johnson, Bell, Spinnet, and Weasley ... they were really far along. They have to be that way. There is no way ..."

"They do not appear to be pregnant," Minister Fudge said. His voice was obviously loud enough to be heard by the Gryffindor Chasers, as they stood up.

"They were, they are," Umbridge insisted. She knew she had seen it.

"It's Minister Fudge!" Alicia Spinnet said, as the girls dropped their robes and headed towards the Minster. "Colin! Take our picture with the Minister!"

There, right in the threshold of the Great Hall, the four Gryffindor Chasers, three starters and a reserve, stood next to the minister in what Umbridge could only call scandalously cut muggle style halter tops and tight shorts. The minister was getting his picture taken with four harlots practically pasting themselves against him. It was scandalous, it was unseasonable. Umbridge knew she'd never been able to wear something like that.

As Creevy's flash went off, Umbridge looked around the great hall. She rushed to the foot of the Hufflepuff table. "Bones! You were holding your baby a few minutes ago. Where did it go?"

"Professor Umbridge, have you been drinking? Are you on some sort of potion?" Susan Bones replied. "The only boy I've held is Zack Smith, and since he claims to be shaving, he's hardly a baby."

"Abbot! You were nursing a baby a few minutes ago," Umbridge said turning to the blonde Hufflepuff.

"The only boy I've let touch my breasts was Neville," Hannah Abbot replied. "And he can do that any day with those hands."

Umbridge sputtered, stepping back suddenly. As she did, Madame Longbottom suddenly appeared in her view, vulture on her hat.

"Miss Abbot, do I need to talk to your father about a betrothal agreement with my Neville?" The High Inquisitor's smile.

"Not yet," the Hufflepuff replied with a smile.

"I saw them with babies!" Umbridge shouted, pointing at the Hufflepuff table.

"Are you a seer then?" Lavender Brown said, suddenly right beside Umbridge. "Like Professor Trelawney, only you can see what babies we're going to have some day? How many babies am I going to have? How many girls? Whose going to be their father? Do they have red hair?"

Looking at Brown, Umbridge recalled seeing her at the end of the table, struggling to stand with a belly that seemed to require a wheel to move. She had to have been pregnant with twins, no triplets. "Where are your babies, why aren't you still pregnant? You should have three, where are they?"

Lavender Brown squealed. "I'm going to have three! Do you know when? All at once or one at a time?" She closed on Umbridge with each question. Pushing into her space. Her shoes echoed on the floor as if horse beats.

As Umbridge turned, she spotted Trelawney, her big bottle bottom glasses, which she now knew were fake, standing on the side line. She captured her in her gaze, and Umbridge could hear her echoing, "I see your doom coming. Doom, I say, dooooooooom!"

Suddenly there seemed to be a crowd of young girls approaching Umbridge. Every single one of them had a question on their lips about their future children, or future mate. They crowed closer, and Umbridge jumped back, right into a couple members from the Board of Governors. She bounced off them, and into another pair. Then into another. It seemed like everywhere she looked there was someone who could take away her job. "You can't take it away. Don't hire Potter. You can't. You can't."

She found herself on her knees before Minister Fudge. "Save me." She looked up at the minister, pleading. "Save me." She found herself felling faint. The world seemed to be growing dim. "Save me." Then there was nothing.

...

That was the last time Dolores Umbridge saw Hogwarts as her Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. She did not return to Hogwarts after Christmas, and Harry Potter took up residence as her replacement.

...

_Author's Note:_

_So it is written, so let it be done._

_Take no Umbridge II: Professor Potter is in progress._


End file.
